Friends, Community, and Being There for the Big Moments

Over the last two weeks I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on the role of true friendships and community in my life. This was precipitated by a close friend of mine from college having a heart attack (he’s doing ok now!). This event set in motion a number of our friends posting hilarious memories and pictures from our college days on his Facebook page to try and lift his spirits. For me this set off a flood of memories- not so much about the events of the past, but the people with whom I share those memories. My college days were a microcosm of my life: a mix of extreme joys and deep pain. I traveled the world, made and played music for lots of people, made great friends, met my wife, but I also lost my first love, was betrayed by friends and people I trusted, doubted my faith, witnessed disease and death in loved ones, and lost my way for awhile. All of this nostalgia about that period of my life has expanded to reflecting on the whole of my life and the people who have been around for my best and worst times from childhood to today. Not to diminish any of my other friendships and acquaintances, but the people who really stand out in my mind are those who have experienced the true heights and depths of my life. They’ve seen me at my best and worst. They were a shoulder to cry on, an ear to fill with frustrations, people I could laugh with and not be conscious of my dumb smile, friends who were just as excited and happy about things that I wanted to celebrate as I was. These people made these important events in my life that much sweeter and that much easier to handle.

However, the opposite is certainly true. There have been plenty of times in my life, when no one was there. I was left to celebrate myself or morn alone. The lack of someone with whom I could share these moments made the “highs” less high and “lows” much lower. There’s a certain amount of this to be expected in life. Sometimes there’s just stuff that no one else will ever know about you. You can tell people why you love this song or hate that painting, why that moment meant so much or hurt so bad, but no one can experience that for you. And, sometimes it’s healthy just to process the important stuff in life by yourself and not feel the pressure of expressing it to anyone else.

The problem is that the older and more disconnected we get, the more we shut people out of these big events in our lives and the less we are open to being there for others. Life gets too busy. We become more guarded. We get pickier about our friends. We’ve got counselors to talk to. We’ve got spouses or kids to pay attention to. Whatever the reason, it seems we are less inclined for true friendships and community as time passes.

Yet, the big moments on life keep coming. Today the first three posts in my Facebook news stream were all big events: someone was celebrating getting the job of his dreams, another remembering the anniversary of a brother passing, another celebrating the anniversary of coming to know Jesus. Other friends have recently found they were expecting a new baby, started new business ventures, lost jobs, started grad school, and the list goes on The big moments keep coming and only get bigger, I think.

We’ve all got excuses and reasons for the lack of friendships and community in our lives, but what are we missing out on? What are we robbing other people of? How much sweeter would those celebratory moments be if we had a real group friends to celebrate with us? Friends who have cried us with and stood beside us in defeat.

I think there something is missing in our lives if we don’t have these type of relationships outside of our immediate families. The scriptures have a lot to say about baring other people’s burdens, as well as, morning, weeping, rejoicing, and encouraging those around us. We have a fundamental need for community. Where there are needs there are opportunities. We have chance to experience the love of God through other people. Moreover, we have the chance to demonstrate God’s love to people in real and tangible ways. If that’s the case, this is more of an obligation than it is mere opportunity. We don’t get to take a “pass” on sharing God’s love with people- not if we really care anyway.

Don’t get me wrong; community is messy business. You’re likely to get hurt and hurt other people from time to time. As long as we live on this side of the New Creation pain comes with territory of human relationships. But isn’t it worth it? Isn’t it worth the chance to be the one that brings comfort to someone in pain? Isn’t it worth putting yourself out there so that when you really need it, someone is there for you?

So here’s the challenge: pay attention to what’s going on in the lives of those around you. Make much of the big moments in the lives people. Comfort. Celebrate. Laugh. Cry. Ask questions. Be there. And in turn, be open to letting other people into your world. Then, just see what God can do in and through you. God chooses to work in the world in many ways, but most often he shows up in the context of our human relationships. Will you be part of that plan? Will you commit yourself to experience all that life throws at you in real friendships and authentic community? I will.